Final Fantasy VIII: The Chaos at Balamb Garden Collection
by Sonata-Time-Nocturne-Aoi
Summary: Complete! Witness the hilarity of the SeeD students and their exploits around Balamb Garden! This is a re-release of our numerous Final Fantasy VIII-themed crack-fics we have written over the years. Each story has been re-edited and re-formatted. Whether you have seen the originals or missed them completely, these will be worth the nostalgic read again!
1. Introduction

**Story** : Final Fantasy VIII: The Chaos at Balamb Garden Collection  
 **Author** : Master Jin Sonata & Time Master  
 **Written** : September 14, 2015  
 **Genre** : Humor/Parody  
 **Rating** : T (Violence, Language)  
 **Disclaimer** : I do not own Square or its idiotic students and faculty

* * *

 **This is a collection of Final Fantasy VIII-specific humor fics we have published on this site from several years ago. We will be removing the original versions, so this definitive update is where you will now find them! In this collection you will find** :

 **Commercial Hell**  
Originally Published On March 3rd, 2008

 **The Fashion Show Disaster**  
Originally Published On August 4th, 2008

 **Cactuar Gone Wild: Prickly Intent**  
Originally Published On February 15th, 2007

* * *

 **Please proceed to the next chapter for the first story** **:** **Commercial Hell** **!**


	2. Commercial Hell

**Commercial Hell**

* * *

 ** _"Squall, Rinoa, Irvine, Zell, Selphie, Quistis, Seifer, Fujin, Raijin! Please report to my office immediately!"_**

Headmaster Cid summons the heroes of Balamb with a grand announcement.

 **"What's the situation, Headmaster? Is Ultimecia back?"** Squall asks.

 **"Is Galbadia attacking us again?"** Quistis inquires.

 **"Did Chicken-wuss here choke on a hotdog again?"** Seifer asks, chuckling.

 **"H-hey! I'm standing right here you know!"** Zell shot back.

Headmaster Cid stands up from behind his desk and shows everyone a flyer. **"The Television Broadcasting Company are looking for inexperienced actors to be in their latest commercial campaign."**

 **"And what does that have to do with us?"** Irvine asks.

 **"They'll pay big bucks to all those who apply!"** Headmaster Cid says.

 **"Count me in, I'm a natural-born actor, ya know?"** Raijin says.

Fujin turns around and kicks Raijin in the shin. **"LIAR."**

 **"Awesome! How do we sign up?"** Zell asks, apparently excited.

 **"You are all to go into the Real World and head toward the Television Broadcasting Company HQ,"** Headmaster Cid explains.

 **"The…Real World? What's that?"** Selphie asks.

 **"Yeah, how do we get there?"** Seifer adds.

 **"I can show you!"** says Laguna, appearing out of nowhere.

 **"Yikes! Where the hell did you come from?!"** says a shocked Zell, jumping into Seifer's arms. Seifer drops him onto the floor shortly afterwards.

Not giving Laguna a chance to answer, Headmaster Cid walks around the desk toward his students.

 **"Good! Have a nice trip!"** Headmaster Cid says, as he begins shoving everyone out of his office.

 **"Won't this be fun, Squall?"** Rinoa says.

 **"Right…fun…"** Squall mumbled. **_"Why do I have a bad feeling about this?"_** he thinks to himself.

After Headmaster Cid shoos them outside, he closes the door. **"They will not be keeping the money for themselves like they are assuming. That money will go to Balamb's 'Haul NORG's Sorry Carcass Out From The Basement' fund."**

Squall and his friends have no idea what they will be getting themselves into as they tryout for many well-known, real-life commercials.

* * *

All of Squall and his friends arrive in the real world hours later after leaving Balamb. They step off of a bus just outside of the Television Broadcasting Company HQ. All of the gang now looked like real people instead of their game-rendered appearance.

" **Wow…we no longer need to communicate using text-boxes anymore…weird…"** Rinoa comments.

" **Say, dad, how come we didn't know of a flight that takes people into the real world outside of the Final Fantasy universe?"** Squall asks Laguna.

 **"It's a secret flight that only important high officials like myself know. Isn't that cool?"** Laguna responds, giving everyone a side-ways thumbs-up.

"… **Right…whatever…"** Squall responds.

 **"Oh man! This is so awesome! We're now like in high-definition now! I look even moew awesome then back in the game!"** Zell says excitedly, checking himself out from head to toe.

" **Down boy…"** Quistis says to Zell, rolling her eyes.

" **Okay, let's get this commercial job crap outta the way so I can get paid,"** says Seifer.

 **"Right! I'll race you there! Come Irvine!"** Selphie says, dragging Irvine with her as she rushed inside.

Everyone soon followed afterwards. Inside the HQ, they met with the president of the company: Charlatan F. Swindler.

" **So you guys got my invitation to do commercials with us I see. Well, let's get to work immediately!"** says Swindler. **"I will now assign you all with the commercials you will be appearing in."**

 **Commercial 1** : Seifer and Zell in a Geico Insurance Commercial

 **Commercial 2** : Selphie and Fujin in a Head-On Commercial

 **Commercial 3** : Squall and Billy Mays in an OxyClean Commercial

 **Commercial 4** : Raijin and Quistis in a Kool-Aid Commercial

 **Commercial 5** : Laguna and Rinoa in a Chucky Cheese Commercial

Everyone nodded and reported to their designated studios to begin filming their commercials.

Little do they know of the scary and just plain stupid experiences they will soon encounter.

* * *

About a half-hour later, Seifer and Zell were in a private studio, preparing to be in the new set of Geico Car Insurance commercials. When they were ready, they took their positions. Seifer's commercial was going to be filmed first.

 **Seifer's Commercial**

As Seifer sat on the set, the commercial director: the Geico Gecko, walks out and looks at Seifer.

" **So you must be the new guy the boss told me about. Well, let's get on with it then. In this scene, a man is going to explain his car-woes and his solutions to the camera. Meanwhile, you respond to his statements with your own interpretations. Got it? Let's go,"** the Geico Gecko says as the little lizard turns around and hops into his director's chair.

A random guy walks on the set and sits next to Seifer shortly after.

" _ **Geico Insurance Commercial…Take 1…and…Action!"**_

 **Narrator** : Bob is an actual Geico customer, not a paid celebrity. So to help tell his story, we hired a guy from Balamb's Military Academy.

 **Bob** : Last week my buddy borrowed my car and go into a wreck just down the street.

 **Seifer** : Last week Chicken-wuss went on a joyride in my new vehicle and the little bitch crashed it trying to get out of the garage.

 **Bob** : So I called Geico to help fix this situation.

 **Seifer** : I forcibly made Chicken-wuss pay for all the damages himself.

 **Bob** : In the end I got a check for a new car, and now I'm happy.

 **Seifer** : The little bastard won't get near my car again since I installed a machine-gun security system from within.

 **Narrator** : Geico: Real Insurance, Real Savings.

 **Zell's Commercial**

After the first commercial, it was now Zell's turn to do his.

Zell took his position on the set, while the director explained his scene.

" **This scene is very simple. You just lie on the ground while the other actors do their part,"** the Geico Gecko says, hopping into his director's chair.

" _ **Second Geico Insurance Commercial…Take …and…Action!"**_

A woman runs to Zell, who was just ion a car wreck.

" **My sweetie just got in a car wreck! Is there a doctor around?"** the woman yells for help.

A doctor walks on screen and approaches the woman.

" **I'm a doctor, I could save his life, but I don't need to,** " the doctor says.

" **Why not?"** the woman asks.

" **I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico,"** the doctor says with a cheesy smile.

" **Lame…"** Zell mutters under his breath.

 **Narrator** : Geico: Fifteen minutes can save you fifteen percent or more on your car insurance.

After the tapings, the Geico Gecko approached Seifer and Zell.

" **Sorry boys, my boss just got through reviewing the commercials, and he says to do them again,"** the Geico Gecko says to them.

" **Tough luck. I'm not doing any more commercials,"** Seifer says crossing his arms trying to look macho.

" **Yeah! I didn't even get to say anything in my commercial at all!"** Zell complains.

" **No can do, you two will keep filming these commercials until my boss is satisfied,"** the Geico Gecko says.

" **Screw that. Just mail me my check, I'm outta here,"** Seifer says, about to leave.

Suddenly, the tiny Geico Gecko jumps up and grabs Seifer around the neck, wrestling him down onto the ground.

" **I _says_ , you _stay_ until my boss is _satisfied_ , got it you pasty-faced punk?"** the Geico Gecko growls at him.

Seifer, looking pretty worried, nods a quick 'yes'. Zell backed off very slowly after seeing his rival get owned and intimidated by a small reptile.

It looks like Zell and Seifer will be there filming commercials for a while. I wonder what the others are doing at his moment?

* * *

Meanwhile, Selphie and Fujin were preparing to shoot their commercial. Both girls stood in their studio, both waiting for the director.

" **I'm so excited!"** says Selphie, hopping up and down.

" **THIS…IS…STUPID…"** Fujin says, tapping her foot as she waited impatiently for the director to arrive.

After what seemed like forever, the director finally approaches them.

" **Sorry for the delay, me and a few others had to make sure the Geico Gecko took his Anti-Outburst medication down at the other studio. Here's what I want you two to do. I want the chick with the eye patch to be the one applying the Head-On product on herself, while the girl in the tacky yellow dress does voice-overs. Okay, let's begin the commercial. Girl's, take your positions!"** the director says, heading for his chair.

" **Tacky…?"** Selphie says, looking down at her dress.

" **YEP…TACKY,"** Fujin responds.

Both girls got into position.

 **Director: Head-On Commercial…Take 1…Aaaand…action!**

The screen shows Fujin applying the Head-On stick to her forehead while Selphie announced the product's slogan.

 **Selphie** : Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead! Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead! Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead! Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead! Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead! Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead! Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead! Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead! Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead! Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead! Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead! Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead! Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead! Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead! Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead! Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead! Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead! Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead! Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead! Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead! Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead! Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead! Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead! Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead!...

 ** _"THIS…NUISANCE…!"_ ** Fujin thinks to herself.

Meanwhile, Squall was in another studio, paired up with Billy Mays, that loud annoying guy who advertises those cleaning products on TV. Both stood behind a counter within a kitchen-like setting. Squall looks around before turning to Billy.

" **Where's the director?"** Squall asks.

" **We don't need a director. Just follow my lead, okay?"** Billy whispers to Squall.

"… **Whatever…"** Squall responds.

A few seconds later, the commercial started.

" **HELLO, BILLY MAYS HERE WITH MY NEW PRODUCT CALLED OXICLEAN! THIS STUFF CAN REMOVE STAINS, AND EVEN REMOVE THE PAINT OFF OF YOUR CAR! APPLY SOME TO YOUR FINE CHINA, AND WATCH ITS VALUE MELT AWAY BEFORE YOUR EYES! CALL NOW AND YOU'LL RECEIVE OUR FREE SPRAY ATTACHMENT! SPRAY IT ON ANYTHING: YOUR STOVES, YOUR TOILETS, EVEN YOUR BROWNIES! EVERYTHING WILL BECOME SUPER CLEAN WITH THIS FANTASTIC OXICLEAN! MY PARTNER WILL NOW DEMONSTRATE ITS POWER ON THIS DIRTY COUNTERTOP!"** Billy says loudly, turning to Squall.

 **"Uh…no. You're a loud obnoxious bastard, and I'm going to leave now,"** Squall responds, glaring back at Billy.

" **YOU CAN'T LEAVE WHILE THE CAMERA IS ROLLING!"** Billy protests.

" **Watch me,"** Squall says, grabbing the bottle of OxiClean and spraying it in Billy's eyes, then turning to leave.

" **AAAHH, MY EYES!"** Billy yells out in pain, reaching around the counter to grab another one of his products: The Mondo Meat-Cutter.

" **Shit!"** Squall says, now fleeing the set as Billy Mays pursues him while swinging a large steak knife.

A psycho product promoter is chasing squall, while Selphie and Fujin are stuck in their own annoying commercial. I wonder what the rest of the cast is up to…

* * *

Raijin and Quistis were on their set ready to film a commercial for Kool-Aid.

" **This isn't right…Kool-Aid is for kids…aren't we too old to be doing this sort of thing?"** Quistis asks Raijin.

" **Ah it'll be okay. We're just advertising a drink product, ya know? No worries on my part,"** Raijin responds.

The director soon appeared before them.

" **Okay, you two have it easy with this commercial. The Kool-Aid Man is going to come out and do his part, and at the end, I want you two to drink the Kool-Aid and comment how delicious and refreshing it is. Got it?"** the director explained.

" **I guess so…"** Quistis says with a sigh.

" **Kool-Aid Man? What's a Kool-Aid Man?"** Raijin asks, scratching his head with curiosity.

 **Director: Kool-Aid Commercial…Take 1…Aaaand…action!**

Quistis and Raijin are in a tropical beach backdrop when the Kool-Aid Man walks onto the set.

" **Who wants a glass of Ice-cold Kool-Aid? It's refreshing, Ohhhhhh yeeaaaahhhh!"** says the Kool-Aid Man as he approaches the two.

" **WAAH! GIANT EVIL TALKING PITCHER OF JUICE! KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT!"** Raijin yelled like a little schoolgirl as he grabbed his attack stick and starts bashing the crap out of the mascot.

" **Ohhhh Noooooo!"** the Kool-Aid Man yelled as he was being pummeled to oblivion.

 **Director: Cut cut CUUUUT! What the hell is wrong with you?!**

Raijin finally stopped beating up the Kool-Aid Man, heaving from the relentless attack he had administered.

" **Whoops…eheheh…I guess giant talking inanimate objects give me the creeps, ya know?"** Raijin says with a nervous laugh.

The director looked pissed off while Quistis shook her head in embarrassment.

* * *

Meanwhile on another set, Laguna and Rinoa were preparing to shoot their commercial for Chucky Cheese.

" **Okay, in this scene, you guys will be in the background in the ball pit while Chucky Cheese himself narrates about the chain of children's play places,"** their director told them.

" **Sounds cool!"** Laguna says enthusiastically.

"… **Riight…"** Rinoa responds, rolling her eyes.

Both Laguna and Rinoa jump into a giant ball pit in the background of the set while the Chucky Cheese mascot walks in front of the camera.

" **See, this won't be too bad!"** Laguna says, playfully throwing a bunch of plastic colored balls at Rinoa.

" **Well…I supposes not…"** Rinoa says, starting to have a change of heart.

Just as the commercial was about to start filming, a few more stage extras, namely a couple of 500-pound kids appear behind both Laguna and Rinoa and prepares to do a body-flop on top of them.

" **Uh oh…"** Laguna says as he looked up, gulping.

" **This won't end well…"** Rinoa says with a nervous laugh.

* * *

Much later back at Balamb Garden, all of the Seed students (and Laguna) were back in Headmaster Cid's office.

" **So, did you guys enjoy yourselves?"** Headmaster Cid asks as he holds a huge-ass sack of cash he got from the Television Broadcasting Company.

" **It was awful!"** Seifer protests.

" **Oh? How so?"** Headmaster Cid asks.

" **I was stuck doing some stupid-ass car insurance commercial, and I got jumped by a stupid British Lizard!"** Seifer responds.

" **And I got the lamest part of the whole segment!"** Zell adds.

" **My voice is hoarse from saying 'Head-On' all day!"** Selphie says in a groggy voice.

" **GOT HEADACHE…FROM HEAD-ON COMMERCIAL…"** Fujin responds.

" **That crazy-ass Billy Mays chased me out of the building with a large knife!"** Squall says angrily.

" **Raijin almost had a nervous breakdown after encountering the Kool-Aid Man, and I ended up blowing my entire life-savings for his treatment!"** Quistis says as Raijin sucked on his thumb like a little child.

" **Me and Rinoa got flattened by a couple of overweight children! Don't kids go out and exercise anymore?"** Laguna says disapprovingly as he and Rinoa sat in wheelchairs wearing full body casts.

After everyone had spoken of their experiences, they all turned to Irvine.

" **Well what about you?"** Headmaster Cid asks.

" **Yeah! We haven't seen you all day since we started filming! Where did you go off too?"** Selphie demands.

" **Well…it wasn't a commercial, but I somehow was cast to be in some gay cowboy flick called Broke-Back Mountain…"** Irvine says, trying to avoid talking about it any further.

" **I see…well, you're all dismissed!"** Headmaster Cid says to everyone, rushing them all out of the room.

" **Maybe next I'll have them put on a fashion show of some sort to earn more money for the Garden…"** Headmaster Cid schemes.

And you know what? That's exactly what he did.

* * *

 **Please review and keep watch for the next story:** **Final Fantasy VIII: Fashion Show Disaster** **, as this collection is constantly updated until its completion!**


	3. The Fashion Show Disaster

**The Fashion Show Disaster**

* * *

" _ **Squall, Rinoa, Irvine, Zell, Selphie, Quistis, Seifer, Fujin, Raijin! Please report to my office immediately!"**_

It has been a week since Headmaster Cid contacted his favorite group of SeeD students. Headmaster Cid once again summons the heroes of Balamb with yet another grand announcement. The students enter his office shortly after.

" **What is it this time, Headmaster? Is there an actual threat you need us to handle this time?"** Squall asks.

" **Yes! A threat, which involves our Garden's funds! We need more cash to support this academy, so I propose we put on a fashion show to raise money!"** Headmaster Cid explains.

" **Oh no you don't! We aren't agreeing to any more of your kooky plans, especially what happened last week when you had us audition for those stupid commercials in the real world,"** Seifer says, making it clear he didn't want to another dumb and dangerous job.

" **For the first time I agree with Seifer. That last job you had us do was pretty rough,"** Rinoa comments.

" **And you want us to put on a fashion show? That's not my cup of tea, ya know?"** Raijin adds.

" **Oh come now! This could prove beneficial to everyone! Besides, look at it this way, I'll be sponsoring it this time, so you have nothing to worry about!"** Headmaster Cid explains furthermore.

" **What's in it for us?"** Quistis inquires.

" **I'll divide up 25 percent of the proceeds from this show and give it back to you!"** Headmaster Cid says.

" **TOO LOW! HIGHER!"** Fujin states.

" **Yeah! Make it 50!"** Selphie pipes in.

" **How about 20?"** Headmaster Cid says, not liking the price increase.

" **60!"** Selphie says.

 **"5,"** Headmaster Cid says.

" **DEAL!"** Selphie says with a wide grin. **"Man, can I haggle or what?"** Selphie says, sounding really proud of herself.

" ** _Oh you dummy…"_** Irvine mumbles to himself.

" **Well then! It's settled! You have a week to get everything together! So go start planning and make me some money—er—I mean, make us proud!"** Headmaster Cid says, getting up and proceeding to shove everyone out of his office.

" **I have a bad feeling about this…"** Squall says to everyone, before he and others were out of his office completely.

Headmaster Cid slams the doors shut behind them.

" **Time to make myself some more money so I can take my wife Edea on vacation on some tropical island!"** Headmaster Cid schemes to himself.

* * *

An hour later, Squall and his friends were sitting around a table in the Cafeteria brainstorming ideas for the fashion show.

" **Man this blows…why the hell do we have to put on a stupid fashion show anyways? Why can't we put on a cooler production…like a cage match between Chicken-wuss and a T-Rex?"** Seifer states.

" **Hey!"** Zell responds in a muffled voice in between bites from eating a plateful of hot-dogs.

" **Yeah! I'd rather put on a concert of some sort or something!"** Selphie adds.

" **The Headmaster's choice for this type of fundraiser is certainly unusual…but we can't let him down…"** Quistis says.

" **Sure we can! We can just send a hit out on him and be free of this task, ya know?"** Raijin suggests.

" **THEN COVER UP EVIDENCE,"** Fujin adds.

" **Oh come on guys, this actually may be pretty fun. First we need to come up with a theme. Any suggestions?"** Rinoa asks.

" **Man, I can see it now…let's have chick-wuss dress up in drag and call it a show,"** Seifer says, before breaking out into a laugh.

" **Hey! I'm sitting right here you know!"** Zell shoots back.

" **I know…it makes the insult evermore sweeter,"** Seifer adds.

 **"How about we showcase the latest trends or something?"** Irvine suggests.

" **Great! That sounds like a cool idea! What do you think, Squall"** Rinoa asks.

" **Frankly I think the idea is dumb no matter how its presented…but whatever…"** Squall responds.

" **Typical…"** Rinoa responds, rolling her eyes. **"Alright then, is this okay with everyone?"** Rinoa asks.

Everyone around table nods in agreement.

" **Very well…now to assign each one of you with a task…"** Rinoa began to say.

Suddenly, Laguna slides into the cafeteria and stops in front of their table.

" **Did somebody say fashion show? I love fashion shows!"** Laguna says.

" **Oh god no…"** Squall mutters to himself.

" **Kiros and Ward put me on administrative leave from running Esthar so I can help out you guys! Say, can I help pick out the clothing designs?"** Laguna asks eagerly.

" **Uh…sure…um…okay, here's what everyone is going to do,"** Rinoa says as she reads off everyone's tasks.

 **Fashion Show Task List**

 **Rinoa and Squall:** Show Commentators  
 **Irvine and Laguna:** Costume and Outfit Designers  
 **Selphie:** Set Designer  
 **Zell:** Music DJ  
 **Seifer and Quistis:** Ticket Sales  
 **Raijin and Fujin:** Publication and Advertisement

" **Let's get out work everyone. We've only got a few days to get all of this together!"** Rinoa says to everyone.

* * *

It was the next day.

Everyone's instructions were issued, and the Balamb crew departed to prepare his or her individual or group tasks.

 **Balamb Garden: Cafeteria**

While most everyone else was out and about, Squall and Rinoa stayed in the Garden going over their commentary sheets for the show.

" **Okay Squall, I've finished writing my opening statements for when the show begins. What have you written for your spoken part?"** Rinoa asks Squall curiously.

"… **A few lines…"** Squall answers reluctantly.

" **A few lines? Let me see,"** Rinoa says, reaching over and grabbing his notes. "… **Uh…Squall…all you've written is the word 'Whatever' 16 times…"** Rinoa says, giving Squall a disapproving look.

"… **And?"** Squall responds in his usual tone.

Rinoa sighs.

" **You're hopeless…"** Rinoa says to Squall, sinking down into her seat.

 **Balamb Garden: Quads**

Meanwhile, Selphie was busy building the stage and runway within the Quad, the site of the fashion show.

Halfway through the building process, Selphie realized she was getting low on supplies, such as nails and screws, to hold together the set.

" **Oh shoot, now I'm going to have to go to the store and buy more supplies…"** Selphie says with a sigh, hopping off of the stage and walking toward her purse that contains her wallet. She grabs it and looks inside.

No wallet.

"… **That's funny…what did I do with my money?"** Selphie asks, scratching her head.

 **Deling City: Music Store**

Zell, meanwhile was in Deling City shopping for some music in a new store that had recently opened. He stood outside the entrance and gazes at the sign.

" **Hmm…'Dishonest Dan's Disc Jockey Emporium'…sounds like a good place to get music! I hope Selphie doesn't mind me borrowing her cash…"** Zell says as he stepped into the store.

" **Welcome to my store! I'm Dishonest Dan! What can I get for you today?"** the sleazy-looking store-owner says to Zell as he approached the counter.

" **Uh, yeah…my friends and I are starting a fashion show, and we need some good music. Have any suggestions?"** Zell asks.

" **First off, how much do you got?"** Dishonest Dan asks.

" **Uh…about 200..."** Zell says, taking out the cash from his pocket.

Dishonest Dan swipes up the cash in an instant.

" **Heheheheh, leave the music selection to me, kid. I'll have it ready for you by the premier,"** Dishonest Dan says with a wide grin as hew strokes the cash.

" **Uh…thanks?"** says a dumbfounded Zell.

* * *

 **Eshtar: Shopping Center**

Laguna and Irvine were in Eshtar's illustrious shopping center, picking out the clothes the models would wear during the show.

" **How about this?"** Laguna asks Irvine, holding out an article of clothing to him.

" **Those are Spongebob pajamas…"** Irvine says, eyebrows raised.

 **"Okay…then what about these then?"** Laguna asks, holding out another article of clothing.

" **That's a burlesque-house outfit…"** Irvine responds. **"Are you sure you should be choosing the lady's attire?"** Irvine questions.

" **Why not! You know how today's kids like the hottest and edgy styles! So…what have you chosen so far?"** Laguna asks.

Irvine pushes his basket toward Laguna, which was full of cowboy hats, blue jeans, and brown overcoats, all replicating Irvine's own style.

" **Who would wear something tacky like that?"** Laguna asks, scratching is head.

Irvine glares at Laguna before returning to pick out some more clothes.

Laguna shrugs and continues to do the same.

 **Fisherman's Horizon**

At Fisherman's Horizon, Raijin and Fujin were busy passing out flyers and advertising for the show.

" **Come see our Fashion Show! It'll be a big hit, ya know!"** Raijin calls out to the people out on the streets.

" **COME OR ELSE,"** Fujin says to a passerby, kicking them in the shin.

" **Hey Fu, how about instead of kicking our potential customers, you like, staple some posters around town or something, ya know?"** Raijin suggests.

" **FINE!"** Fujin says, grabbing a stack of flyers from Raijin and heading deeper into town. Along the way a rude man stopped her.

" **What's that you got? A Fashion Show? Sounds boring,"** the rude man says, before turning away to leave.

Fujin, in retaliation, walks up behind the main, and staples several flyers onto his back.

" **JERK!"** Fujin says to him, the man running around screaming because of the staples in his back.

Raijin shakes his head not only in embarrassment, but in amusement as well.

 **Balamb Town**

Meanwhile, Quistis and Seifer were selling tickets near the train station of Balamb Town.

" **Man this is boring…I haven't sold a single freakin' ticket yet!"** Seifer says, slamming his fist on the table he and Quistis sat at.

" **That's because you chase away our potential customers whenever they try to deal from you,"** Quistis states.

" **That's not true! I'm an excellent ticket salesmen!"** Seifer shoots back. **"And I'll prove it!"**

Seifer got up out of his chair and heads inside the train station and approaches the first woman he saw.

" **Hey, lady, come to our show this weekend,"** Seifer says to her.

" **Okay, how much are the tickets?"** the woman asks.

 **"20 bucks,"** Seifer responds.

" **Okay! I'll buy one,"** the woman says, taking the ticket and handing Seifer the money.

Seifer returns to Quistis with a wide grin on his face.

" **See? Told ya I could sell tickets,"** Seifer gloats.

" **Uh, Seifer…she gave you a 5 dollar bill…"** Quistis points out.

Seifer looks down at the bill. It was indeed 5, not 20.

" **Why that scheming little…"** Seifer growls, pulling out his gunblade and proceeds to pursue the woman who cheated him out of his money.

Quistis sighs at her partner's brash antics

* * *

It was finally the weekend, and the night of the Fashion Show premier was upon the heroes of Balamb.

 **Balamb Garden Quads**

The stage was set, and people were pouring into the Quads around sunset. Meanwhile, Squall and his gang were behind the stage making final preparations before it was curtain call.

" **Oh wow…that's a lot of people out there…"** Zell gulps as he stuck his head through the curtain and saw the massive crowd out in the audience.

" **That's right, chicken-wuss, and its all thanks to yours-truly,"** Seifer says to Zell with a smug look on his face.

" **Hey, don't forget about us too! You wouldn't have any ticket sales if it weren't for us ya know?"** Raijin says to Seifer.

" **THREATS WORK WELL,"** Fujin adds.

" **Oh man, I'm so excited! These people are going to love the clothes we've gathered to be shown-off,"** Laguna says like a kid in a candy shop.

" **That's what scares me the most…"** Irvine responds.

Seconds later, Headmaster Cid approaches the gang.

" **Alright everyone! The show begins in five minutes!" Is everything ready?"** Headmaster Cid asks.

" **I've got the music ready,"** Zell responds.

 **"We've rehearsed our commentary, right Squall?"** Rinoa says to him.

" **Whatever,"** Squall responds.

 **"Hey, where's Selphie?"** Quistis asks everyone.

" **I'm not sure…she needs to get here soon so she can man the lights and curtains,"** Rinoa responds.

" **Well, no need for all that extra stuff on her part. All that needs to be says is good luck, and make it good so that no one wants a refund!"** Headmaster Cid says before walking off of the stage.

" **Let's get this show started! Break a leg everyone!"** Rinoa says to everybody before she and Squall walk out onto the front stage.

Squall and Rinoa sat down in their commentator's seat and began the show's introduction.

" **Welcome everyone to Balamb Garden's First Annual Fashion Show! I am your lead commentator, Rinoa Heartilly, and this is my partner Squall Leonhart,"** Rinoa announced to everyone via her mic. **"Squall, would you like to say a few words?"** Rinao asks.

" **Um…yeah…enjoy the show I guess…"** Squall comments.

" **Riight…anyways! It's time to get this show started!"** Rinoa says, before giving Squall a dark look for his usual lack of enthusiasm.

 **Behind Stage**

As the audience applauds and cheers out front, everyone behind stage prepares to get things started.

" **Hey, chicken-wuss! The show is starting. Play some music or something!"** Seifer tells Zell.

" **Okay okay!"** Zell says, walking up to his custom-made sound system and starting the first track.

 _ **"I see the bad moon arising.  
I see trouble on the way.  
I see earthquakes and lightnin'.  
I see bad times today.**_

 _ **Don't go around tonight,  
Well, its bound to take your life,  
There's a bad moon on the rise."**_

Everyone behind stage and out in front all looked at each other in a 'WTF' fashion, curious on Zell's choice in music to start the show with.

 **Front Stage**

" **Um…uh…we're having some slight music issues at the moment…how about changing it to something else, sound man?"** Rinoa says nervously at the start, but sounding more miffed while she referenced Zell to play something else immediately.

 **Behind Stage**

" **What the?!"** Zell says, quickly rushing over to change the track.

" **Zell! What was that just now? Didn't you even check the music you bought?"** Irvine asks?

" **Um…well…maybe?"** Zell responds with a cheesy smile. _**"Oh man this is all that record-selling guy's fault!"**_ he thought.

Eventually Zell found a decent song to play, and it was now time for the runway models to start walking out.

A group of male and female students from Balamb were lined up in front of Laguna and Irvine. Laguna had employed them to model their clothes they had bought.

" **Alright ladies and gents! It's showtime!"** Laguna says and he opened the curtains that lead out onto the stage and runway.

 **Front Stage**

As the music played, the guys and girls strut their stuff across the runway, half of them wearing an exactly replica of Irvine's outfit, while the other half of the students wore Laguna's attire.

Both Squall and Rinoa look at each other.

" **Well, folks, what we have here is a…um…trendy display of western-attire, complete with trench coat, cowboy hat, and boots, along with a more contemporary look of black slacks, white T-shirt, and blue jacket,"** Rinoa comments.

" **Yeah…a scary attempt to make the Cowboy and my dad's clothing styles trendy…"** Squall adds.

 **Behind Stage**

" **Is that what you came up with? I coulda come up with something trendier, ya know!"** Raijin says to Irvine and Laguna.

" **BULL SHIT,"** Fujin responds, kicking Raijin in the shin.

It was now Quistis's time to model her personal style.

" **Zell! I'm up next! Be sure to play something good!"** Quistis tells Zell as she prepares to step out on the runway.

" **Okay, gotcha!"** Zell says, rifling through a bunch of CD's trying to find a good song he could have Quistis walk out on.

" **Ah, here we go! I'll play this CD called 'Body-Language Sounds',"** Zell says, popping it into his sound system.

 **Front Stage**

" **Next, our very own Quistis Trepe will be showing us her specially made outfits for the world to see!"** Rinoa says.

" **I can't hardly wait…"** Squall says with a yawn.

Quistis steps out onto the runway, wearing an alerted, trendier version of her usual attire. At that moment Zell plays the first track of the CD he chose.

" _ **I like big butts and I can not lie  
You other brothers can't deny  
And when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist  
And a round thing in your face  
You get sprung  
Wanna pull up tough  
Cuz you noticed that butt was stuffed"**_

Both Quistis and Rinoa stop with their mouths hanging open at the song Zell chose. Squall began to snicker a little from the reaction from both girls. The entire audience started to laugh from the incident.

 **Behind Stage**

Zell gulps and had a nervous look on his face, for even everyone backstage was looking at him with disapproval.

" **Oops! That doesn't sound right! Let's try the next track,"** Zell says, playing the next song.

 **Front Stage**

" _ **She's a brick-house  
Mighty mighty, just lettin' it all hang out  
She's a brick-house  
The lady's stacked and that's a fact,  
Ain't holding nothing back."**_

As that song was played, Quistis's face turned red with anger and embarrassment. Rinoa was shaking her head in disbelief, and Squall was now beginning to laugh even harder, along with the rest of the audience.

 **Behind Stage**

Zell knew he was in deep shit for the crappy music selection thus far.

" **Man, this show is starting off badly. It can't get any worse than this, ya know?"** Raijin comments.

" **SELPHIE…WHERE?"** Fujin inquired.

" **Ya know…that's a good question…"** Raijin says.

 **Balamb Garden Parking Lot**

Meanwhile outside of Balamb, Selphie was out in the parking lot talking to someone using the school's payphone.

" **Hello? Home Depot? Uh yeah…I have a question…I built a custom-stage plus a runway, and I was only able to hammer in about 100 nails, and I couldn't afford any more because someone took my wallet…anyways, what's the minimum amount needed to support the stage without it collapsing? …Uh huh…450 nails…? I see…okay, thanks!"**

Selphie hung up the phone.

 **"OH CRAP! I GOTTA GET EVERYONE OFF OF THAT STAGE!"** Selphie shrieks, now darting back into the academy.

 **Front Stage**

As the show continued on, both Rinoa and Squall heard and felt a faint creaking noise. Both look at each other.

" **Did you hear something just now?"** Rinoa asks.

" **Um…maybe?"** Squall responds.

 **Behind Stage**

That creaking noise began to get louder by the minute.

" **Hey, chicken-wuss, I think your crappy music is causing the stage to retaliate,"** Seifer says to him.

" **Hey! Is not!"** Zell shoots back.

At that moment, Selphie arrives and confronts everyone.

" **Guys! I think we should get off of this stage while we still can! It's not secure!"** Selphie pleads.

" **Not secure? What do you mean?"** Irvine asks.

 **The Entire Set**

Before Selphie could get another word out, the entire stage and runway on both ends suddenly began to cave in and collapse onto itself. Every person involved with the show was able to escape before it completely fell over.

Squall and his gang look at the mess in disbelief.

The audience was silent for a moment, before cheering and applauding in a sudden uproar.

Everyone looks at each other in confusion.

" **Oh man, Headmaster Cid is going to kill us…"** Selphie says with a gulp.

At that moment, Headmaster Cid appeared in front of them out of nowhere.

" **Headmaster Cid, we can explain!"** Quistis says.

" **No need to explain, everyone. This show was GREAT!"** Headmaster Cid says with much approval.

" **Uh…excuse me?"** Squall says, eyebrow raised.

" **Oh yes! This Fashion Show turned out to be a great comedy act! The audience loves it! Great job! Now all the cash will be mine…er, I mean ours to share!"** Headmaster Cid.

" **Yeah…all 5 percent of it…"** Irvine grumbles, shooting a glare at Selphie, who responds with a cheesy smile.

* * *

 **Please review and keep watch for the final story:** **Final Fantasy VIII:** ** **Cactuar Gone Wild: Prickly Intent** , as this collection is constantly updated until its completion!**


	4. Cactuar Gone Wild - Part 1

**Cactuar Gone Wild: Prickly Intent - Part 1**

* * *

 **Squall Leonhart**

" **Firaga!"** yells Squall after dodging an attack from the giant T-Rex he was fighting in the Training Center. The dinosaur growled fiercely as the fire spell damaged it greatly. It then suddenly retaliated with a tail attack, hitting Squall hard as he flew across the room and landed with a thud against the wall. After regaining his composure, Squall saw the T-Rex slowly closing in on him.

It was time to use his Guardian Force.

" **I summon you, Cactuar!"** Squall proclaims, holding out his hand as a ray of light appeared in front of him. When it cleared, Cactuar, who was no more that a foot-tall, was standing before him. **"Attack the T-Rex!"** Squall commands.

The Cactuar slowly turned itself around until it faced Squall. It had a rather disgruntled look on its face.

" **Don't just stand there, attack the T-Rex I says!"** Squall repeats the command.

Cactuar's eyes narrowed as an evil smile spread across its face. Squall raises an eyebrow in response.

" **Oh, trying to disobey my orders, eh? Well look, Cactuar, I'm the 'Master' and you're my 'Protector'. Now attack that T-Rex before I ha—"** Squall starts, before thousands of tiny sharp needles began emerging from Cactuar's skin.

"… **What are doing…?"** Squall questions, knowing that something bad was about to happen.

From there, the last thing that was heard was Squall's cries of agony as the Cactuar unloaded a bajillion needles upon the gun-blader.

* * *

 **Headmaster Cid**

" **Yes, yes, I'll send you that report just as soon as I finish finalizing it. Okay…goodbye."**

Headmaster Cid Kramer was sitting in his office in front of a desk piled with stacks of paperwork. He had just got off the phone talking to a head rep from Galbadia.

" **Just one more page to proofread and my 1,700 page report on 'Why Balamb Should Receive More Funding' will be complete,"** Cid sighs as he proceeds to check the last page of his report.

As he began checking the work, Cactuar somehow enters into his office and hops on top of his desk and faces him.

" **Hmm?** Cid says as he looked up and saw the little Guardian Force staring at him. **"What are you doing in my office?"** he questions.

Cactuar turned and looked at the stacks of papers on his desk, then turned back to the Headmaster. It then hops off of his desk.

" **That was odd…"** Cid shrugs as he resumes his work.

Cid's desk then began moving away from him.

" **What?!"** Cid exclaims as he leans over and sees Cactuar pushing his desk toward an open window on the opposite side of his office. **"No! Wait, don't!"** the Headmaster pleads, but to no avail, as Cactuar shoved the desk against the open window, forcing all of his papers to slide off and fly outside from a gust of wind. Cid ran to the window and witnesses his papers flutter away into the horizon.

" **You!"** Cid growls, his face turning beet-red with anger. **"15 years of work ruined!"** he lashes out, making an attempted to capture Cactuar, but misses. Cactuar proceeds to bounce out of his officer, with Cid in close pursuit.

Minutes later, the chase was still on as they neared the Infirmary. Cactuar turns sharply into Dr. Kadowaki's office, while Cid did the same.

 **WHAM!**

Cid had collided with Dr. Kadowaki herself, and had fallen over onto her. The Cactus used this opportunity to flee the scene.

At that same moment, Cid's wife, Edea, was entering the Infirmary.

" **Dr. Kadawaki, are you here? I have a message f—"** she says, before stopping dead in her tracks as she saw Cid lying on top of the Doctor in a daze.

" **CID KRAMER! HOW DARE YOU!"** she fumes angrily as she stomps toward the Headmaster, who was just now shaking off the effects of the impact and realizing the predicament he was in.

" **Honey, I can explain!"** the Headmaster says, but Edea didn't buy it.

The smacking of Edea's hand across Cid's face echoed across the entire Garden, enough for all the students to stop and wonder what just happened.

But where was Cactuar now?

* * *

 **Zell Dincht**

Zell was in his bedroom using his punching bag to practice his martial arts. After a brief break, Zell flops down on his bed to catch his breath.

" **Whew! I'm beat!"** he says, huffing and puffing. He turns his head to the side and was suddenly face to face with Cactuar. **"Whoa!"** he yelps, jumping away from the Cactus and landing on the floor with a crash. Zell got up and shook his head.

" **Say, aren't you Squall's GF? Ooh! I bet you're here to get a sneak peek of my latest moves!"** Zell grins, rubbing his head. He walks over to his giant punching bag and cracked his knuckles.

" **This is what I call my 'Fury Combo'"** Zell says, as he rears back to throw several punches into the bag.

Before he was ready, Cactuar sped toward the punching bag and leaped into it, popping the bag instantly. Zell saw this much too late, for instead of striking the bag, his fist flew past it and punched a gaping hole through his bedroom wall.

" **What the…"** Zell says, pulling back his fist and peeking into the newly made hole. Zell then stared blankly at Selphie in the next room, who was in the middle of drying off after taking a shower.

" **ZELL YOU PERVERT!"** Selphie screams at him. **"I'M TELLING IRVINE!"** she says furiously, before stuffing an object into the hole to cover it up. Zell was on the verge on getting a nosebleed at what he just saw.

" **This is your fault, Cactuar!"** Zell yells out, trying to look for the little GF, but to no avail. That's when Zell was suddenly knocked face-first to the ground by Cactuar, who had snuck up from behind and head-butted him from behind.

 **WHUMP!**

Cactuar then bounces over him and made his way back out toward the hallway.

" **Hey! Get back here! You owe me a new punching bag!"** he yells as he got up on his feet and went after it.

Later, Zell ends up near the Cafeteria area. **"Dang it, I lost him,"** Zell says. His stomach then began to rumble. **"Man, all that running made me hungry! Time for a hot-dog run!"** Zell says, making his way into the Cafeteria. When he steps inside, he saw that the lines were outrageously long. **"Oh man, I'm gonna be here forever!"** he complains, putting his hands behind his head and began whistling while waiting in line.

After about a minute, Cactuar snuck in behind Zell, and extended a long, sharp needle from within his stubby arm. It then grins evilly and shoved the needle right up Zell's ass.

 **DOINK**!

" **YEEEEEEEOOOOOOWWWWW!"** Zell screams as he flew several feet in the air clear over the other students in line, and fell over the kitchen counter, landing on the stoves and knocking over several pots of boiling hotdogs, which tipped over and spills on top of him as well.

Seifer, who was in the area when it happened, ran over to the scene of the crime and grins in satisfaction. **"Detention for you, Chicken-wuss"** Seifer says, whipping out a notebook and writing Zell's detention slip.

* * *

 **Seifer Almasy**

After dragging a severely burned Zell into the Infirmary and showering him with disciplinary notices, Seifer continues his rounds of patrolling the garden.

" **Man today's been a slow day. Nobody's gotten into trouble at all today except for Chicken-wuss,"** Seifer grumbles, as he paced around the Garden, hands tucked away in his grey trench coat. After turning around about to head back the Cafeteria, he stops as Cactuar was standing in front of him, in his way.

" **Hey! Aren't you Puberty-boy's stupid little GF?"** Seifer says, looking down at the little Cactus. **"What are you doing wandering about the Garden?"** he continues, before having a grand idea. **"I can give Squall extra detention for letting his GF wander about Balamb without a hall-pass!"** he says, proceeding to turn and head to the Training Center were Squall was.

Before Seifer could get far, Cactuar slid under Seifer's coat and pulls down his pants, causing Seifer to trip over them and fall over onto the ground, revealing his yellow Chocobo underwear he wore underneath.

" **H-hey you little runt!"** Seifer says, as he turned over to pull them back up. As he did, Cactuar reaches into the lining of his coat and pulls out Seifer's Hyperion Gunblade and began running away with it. **"Oh no you don't!"** Seifer yells, as he got up and hopped after Cactuar while zipping up his pants.

He eventually caught up to Cactuar, who was standing on the railing outside in the Quad, dangling Seifer's gunblade over the edge.

 **"Don't...you...DARE!"** Seifer growls, as he sped up running to catch Cactuar and reclaim his Gunblade. Cactuar let the Gunblade drop over the edge, and Seifer, without hesitating, jumps over the railing after it. As Seifer fell, he eventually caught up to his weapon and grabs it.

" **Ha! Gotch—"** Seifer says, before landing in a giant dumpster at the bottom of the drop-off. As Seifer raised the lid of the dumpster and tries to stand, Cactuar hopped down from above and stomped on top of the lid, forcing Seifer back down inside. It then proceeded to latch the dumpster shut before kicking it, sending it rolling down the side of Balamb Garden, tumbling down a hill along the way.

This was only the beginning of Cactuar's rampage.

* * *

 **Please review and keep watch for the final part of Final Fantasy VIII: Cactuar Gone Wild: Prickly Intent, as this collection is constantly updated until its completion!**


	5. Cactuar Gone Wild - Part 2

**Cactuar Gone Wild: Prickly Intent - Part 2**

* * *

 **Irvine Kinneas**

" **Ah yeah, and how are my little beauties doing today?"** the cowboy asks as he opened his bedroom closet where his assortment of guns were stored. He walked in a looked left and right at his lavish collection of rifles and shotguns.

" **Whom should I shine today?"** he asks, before grabbing his Exeter and walking back to his bed.

That's when he saw Cactuar sitting on his bed looking at him.

" **Hello little Cactuar,"** Irvine says coolly to the little cactus. **"Come to watch me clean my gun?"** he adds, sitting on the bed next to him. And pulling out a white cloth.

The Cactuar then jumped up and bounced toward Irvine's gun closet. It opened it, went inside, and then closed it shut. Irvine quickly stood up and strode to the closet as well.

" **Hey hey, now, only I'm allowed to be in there,"** Irvine says as he opened the door to find Cactuar facing right at him, holding one of his guns pointing directly at Irvine's face.

Irvine backed up a bit and grinned.

" **You like guns too I see. It's a shame that you wont be able to use it since I keep all my bullets in my pocket,"** he says, reaching into his pants pocket to show Cactuar, but realized that they were empty. Irvine looked up to see that Cactuar had stolen them.

Cactuar gave Irvine a menacing smile and fired the Exeter at him. It shot a hole straight through the middle of Irvine's cowboy hat. Irvine didn't flinch but raised an eyebrow at him.

" **You think you are so cool by trying to prove you can use a gun. Too bad you'll never shoot as well as me,"** Irvine says, tipping his ruined hat.

 **BLAM!**

Cactuar shot again, this time, blowing Irvine's cowboy hat clear off his head, leaving the center part of his hair charred black with little wisps of smoke trailing off of it.

" **Oh now you've done it,"** Irvine says, looking a bit miffed now as he went to pull out a spare pistol out of his side pocket. However, he was too late as Cactuar then hurled the shotgun at Irvine, hitting his in the face, knocking him out cold.

Cactuar picked up the gun he had tossed, reloaded, and took it out into the hallway.

* * *

 **Selphie Tilmitt**

" **There! That should do it!"**

Selphie was in another section of the Quad making the final touches to the stage she built for the Garden's upcoming summer concert. The stage, decorated with strobe lights and posters of the featured bands, was all in place to her satisfaction.

But something was missing….

" **Oh! I forgot to plug in the lights. But the space behind the stage to the socket is too small for me to reach…"** she sighs. That's when Cactuar hopped up to her from behind, pointing the gun it stole from Irvine straight at Selphie's back. Selphie turned around and saw the little cactus in an instant.

" **Oh hiya little Cactuar! Whatcha got there?"** she asks it. A sweat-drop appeared on Cactuar's face as he quickly discarded the gun before Selphie knew what it really had in its hands.

" **Ooh! Since you are here, how about helping me do something?"** she asks, bending down and playfully tickling Cactuar under the chin. Another sweat-drop appeared on Cactuar's face.

" **Now, I want you to go over behind the stage and plug in the cord into the socket so all the pretty lights can come on,"** she instructs as she picked up Cactuar and set him near the back of the stage.

A huge-ass sweat-drop rolled down Cactuar's face as it tried to think up of a way to rid Selphie once and for all.

" **Okay! While you do that, I'm going to grab a few things out of my toolbox!"** she says cheerfully.

She turned away and skipped toward her toolbox. When she got what she wanted, she turned around and witnessed her entire stage set completely aflame in a massive bonfire.

At that time Cactuar was already gone as well. It grabbed Irvine's gun once again and ran out of there as fast as it could. It would have to come back and rid Selphie another time, but until then…

* * *

 **Quistis Trepe**

Some time later, Cactuar bounced his way into the second-floor classroom sector of the Garden where he slipped into the room where Quistis was teaching.

" **And now class, turn off your computers, for you're going to see a slide-show on the monsters of the world in their natural habitat,"** Quistis says to the class while pulling down a projector screen.

Cactuar slipped in and made his way toward the back of the class. When he found a good focal point, he aimed Irvin's gun directly at Quistis's head.

" **Alright, I think we're almost set. Now, who wants to help me with the slides?"** Quistis asks her class. All of the students reluctantly raised their hands. That's when Quistis spotted Cactuar hiding near in the back.

 _"Hmm? Is that Squall's Cactuar back there? What's he doing wandering about? Oh well, I read somewhere that Cactuars are pretty intelligent. Let's put it to the test,"_ Quistis thought. She cleared her throat.

" **Cactuar, I choose you,"** she says.

Cactuar sat Irvine's gun down and peeked his head around the corner into view. He was a bit frustrated for not shooting her earlier. So, he willingly made his way to the front of the class and hopped onto the desk where the slide-projector sat.

" **Okay, little guy, when I give you the okay, I want you press this little button on this machine to change to the next slide,"** Quistis instructed. **"Here you go,"** she continues, giving Cactuar the disk to put into the machine.

At that moment, she turned around and went to turn the classroom lights off.

This gave Cactuar the chance to start screwing things up. He tossed away the disk and went into her desk drawer. Seconds later, he popped back out with another disk he found hidden within Quistis's stuff. He popped that one into the machine instead. The entire class looked at what Cactuar was doing in curiosity.

After the lights went out, Quistis returned to the desk and turned toward the class.

" **Okay, let's begin the lesson on 'Monsters in their Natural Habitat'. Roll the fist slide, please,"** Quistis says to Cactuar, her attention still toward her students.

" **Observe the first slide of the ferocious T-Rex in his marked territory."**

Cactuar grinned and clicked the button. The slide showed Quistis wearing a black dominatrix suit while holding a whip and a pretty scared Zell stripped to nothing but his underwear and tied to her bed.

The entire class all gasped in shock at what they were seeing. Quistis didn't turn to see the slide yet.

" **Yes, pretty fascinating, isn't it? Next slide please. In this picture, you see a group of Grats gathering with others of its kind."**

Cactuar clicked the button for the next slide. This time, it showed her, Nida, Xu, and the Card Queen all laying passed out drunk while holding beer bottles at the Garden's Secret Spot.

The entire class then started busting-up laughing at that slide.

" **What's so funny? No matter, next slide please. Here you'll observe a Buel ready to attack its prey in the Fire Caverns,"** Quistis continues.

Cactuar proceeded to the next slide, where it showed Quistis shining a big-ass shotgun with the words 'All Trepies Will Die' engraved on the handle.

Everyone in the class began cringing in fear.

" **What is up with you people today? Moving on to the last slide, you'll see two Malboros mating with each other in tender love."**

Cactuar clicked the next slide, which showed Quistis passionately locking lips with the Library Girl with the pigtails (the one Zell likes).

The entire class cheered in an uproar while whistling flirtingly at their teachers.

That's when Quistis finally turned around at saw the screen.

" **Goddammit!"** Quistis yells as she rushed over and turned the projector off herself. She shot an angry look at Cactuar.

" **Where did you find my secret photos? Now my reputation's ruined!"** she yells at the little Cactuar while she grabbed her chain-whip. **"Take this!"** she yells, flinging her whip at Cactuar.

Cactuar quickly dodges the attack, the whip however swings over and smashes into Quistis's computer monitor, electrocuting her whip and shocking her with 10,000 volts of electricity. Quistis was then jettisoned across the class and crashes out the second-floor window.

While the rest of the class was looking out the broken window for their teacher, Cactuar grabbed the gun once again and made its way out.

* * *

 **Edea Kramer**

After Edea had finished smacking her husband Cid to next Tuesday in the Infirmary, she left and made her way down one of Balamb's corridors. She turned the corner and saw Cactuar with Irvine's gun in hand.

" **Squall's Cactuar? What are you doing out h-"** Edea started to say, but was immediately shot by Cactuar. Afterwards, Cactuar continued his rounds of destruction around the Garden.

* * *

 **Raijin**

Raijin was pacing back and forth just outside of the Garden's entrance. He was holding a bouquet of flowers and was wearing a tie over his usual clothing. Moments later, he saw Fujin drive across the front of the Garden's roadway and park on the side. Raijin immediately dove into some bushes before she could notice him.

" **Man oh man, there she is…"** he says, peeking around the corner to get a glimpse of her. That's when he felt something bump into his foot.

It was Cactuar, who was staring up at him curiously.

 **"Oh…hello little dude. Bet you're wondering why I'm hiding from Fujin. You see, I'm in love with her, ya know?"**

Cactuar cocked its head to the side when he says this.

 **"This is a bit embarrassing, but I think you wouldn't mind. Every time I'm near her, I just feel so strange inside. She's a woman of few words, but it somehow turns me on, ya know?"**

Cactuar blinked at Raijin as he continued.

 **"Now I want to tell her how I feel, but I just can't muster up the courage to do so, ya know? If you've felt her kicks to the gut, you'd know, ya know?"**

A sweat-drop appeared on Cactuar's forehead. It appeared a bit bored of his rant.

 **"Say, I have an idea. Why don't you pretend to be Fujin for me, so I can practice on how to approach her, ya know?"**

Cactuar now had a 'what the hell' look on its face. Raijin picked up Cactuar and placed him on a ledge at eye level to him.

 **"Okay, here we go: Fujin, baby, how's it going?"**

Cactuar kicked Raijin in the nose after he says that.

" **Ow! No good then, eh?"** he asks, rubbing his nose. **"Okay, I'll try this: Hey cutie, that eyepatch suits you…"**

Cactuar then poked him in the eye after he says that.

" **Yeow! No good either?"** he says, rubbing his eye.

 **"Okay then, how about this one: I have a crush on you, you wanna go on a date or something?"**

Cactuar looked at Raijin for a second, before hopping down onto the ground.

" **Well, what do you know? I guess that's the perfect thing to say then, ya know?"** he says, scratching his head and smiling in satisfaction, not noticing that Cactuar had went behind him and was preparing to poke him in the butt with one of its sharp needles.

 **DOINK!**

" **WHOA-HO-HO-HO!"** Raijn yells as he flew high into the air and landed out in the main roadway with a crash. A semi-truck then came, narrowly missing him as it collided with several other cars coming down the road. A final large explosion shot Raijin out from the accident scene toward Fujin's car.

* * *

 **Fujin**

Fujin stepped out of her brand new car she had just bought and shut the door. As she began walking away from it, she heard a loud noise of glass crashing from behind her. She quickly spun around to see a burnt-black Raijin was crashed headfirst into her front window, also leaving a deep dent in her car's hood.

" **RAAAAAAAGGGGGGEEEEEE!"** she yells angrily, stomping toward her car, grabbing Raijin from the legs and yanking him out. She then proceeded to kick the crap out of Mr. Ya-Know, shouting one-word explicates at the same time.

While she was preoccupied with Raijin, Cactuar managed to sneak Fujin's keys from her pocket and hop into the driver's seat of the car.

When she was finished, Fujin stomped off toward the Garden, when she heard a familiar beeping of a horn from behind. She spun around again, only having enough time to scream as Cactuar ran her over with her own car.

Cactuar turned and sped up the stairs and drove into the entrance of the Garden, destroying everything in its path during the GF's reckless driving.

From that day forth, Catcuar would become infamous as the little GF that took down Balamb Garden and its heroes.

* * *

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